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Learn to love being told you are wrong or being insulted. Every insult is an opportunity. Being insulted offers you an opportunity to practice decency and having a non-response internally. When we are easily upset it is because we are internally unstable and unrefined spiritually. Any defensiveness is a sign of failure. You can't move forward if you are defensive. If you do not like a certain behavior in others, look within yourself to find the roots of what discomforts you. The conflicts we have with the outside world are often conflicts we have within ourselves. Criticism is no threat to your self-esteem or identity, but rather informs you. You can't see clearly through defensiveness. You can get to a place where you see clearly; that place is zero defensiveness. Take any concept you believe in deeply and say out loud, and with full conviction, that your dearest belief may be totally flawed. Say, "There is no doubt that I could be wrong." If you cannot do this, then you do not possess the idea, the idea possesses you. Change will never happen when people lack the ability and courage to see themselves for who they are. An intelligent person is never afraid or ashamed to find errors in their understanding of things. The best practice is to be around people who absolutely disagree. Grace in conflict is a study in love.

"The need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind." — Albert Camus

A great deal of defensiveness stems from the need to be right and frustration over not being able to control. This is why defensiveness is a component of suppressed violence within oneself; it is violent to wish to control others. We only have a defensive response when we are trying to protect some inner-territory or some belief. The earthquake of discomfort you feel moving inside of you when someone insults you is your own insecurity. Defensiveness often has little to do with what another person has said, but rather with your ego. It is only your weak, approval-seeking self that is throwing a tantrum for agreement. Most upset is a fear of rejection. Defensiveness and emotional tumult is often a fear response because of your need for acceptance and ruthless control of the territory of your safe fantasy world. Real strength only comes from vulnerability, not toughness. Only true vulnerability can set you free from the anxiety of painful insecurity. Openness is free and flowing — it is a dance, while being closed-off is protective and unmovable. Negative feelings can only exist through your resistance. As you quit resisting they diminish. When you emotionally stand aside from the attack, negative feelings pass by you like a charging bull. When you realize that the defensive feeling you have is a response to your resistance, you are free in that moment.

"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner." — Lao Tzu

People can only have power over you if you are seeking to have power over others. You are only plagued with stress in moments of common petty conflict because you are arrogant, and believe others are transgressing by having unfavorable thoughts about you. Another person's thoughts about you are outside of your jurisdiction; you have no authority. You have fantasies about you being right, and about them being wrong, or that there is an injustice or an attack. Sometimes a perceived attack can seem very real, when it is really just your insistence or resistance. When someone is attacking you, they are coming to you for advice. How you react advises them. What advice will you give them? They likely may not know they are seeking advice, but you advise them nonetheless. You can teach an attacker many things through your response. Your boundaries may teach them they are not permitted to treat you disrespectfully. Your permissiveness may teach them to continue hurting you. Your calm and wise response may make sense to them many years later as they grow and heal. Perhaps your example will be steps in their ascension to respect and virtue. Has anyone ever helped you in your ascension to virtue? Perhaps you have been cruel or said something mean and someone responded to your attack with kindness or calm, which later caused you to feel bad or ashamed about your actions. That was someone giving advice to their attacker — you. When you wrestle with foolish people, you tie them tighter into the knot of their ignorance, hate and disrespect. But kindness and openness create an atmosphere where people feel safe to learn and change without judgement. Kindness teaches kindness; self-respect teaches self-respect. This is part of the meaning of "actions speak louder than words" or "leading by example." You are instructing everyone at every moment with your every action; in this way we are all role models. You are much more than merely a response to external stimuli. By choosing to have a calm response to what seems negative, you bring clarity and balance to your message. People not only learn from what you say, but how you say it. Each reaction we have helps us inspect ourselves by revealing parts of our own nature to ourselves; it is never about others. And remember, when you are speaking to someone else you are really speaking only to yourself. Everything you say to someone else is for your clarity, not theirs — you are presenting yourself, to yourself, for yourself at every moment.

"If the whole world rejected you and you didn't believe any of your thoughts about it, you'd be completely at peace." — Byron Katie

Learning to master inner-calm and non-response to what seems like negativity is a life practice. When you release yourself from the need for approval and control you can stop punishing yourself and others. The fulcrum of resistance is in your mind where you pit yourself against the weight of the external. Release yourself from the struggle of emotional exertion that goes nowhere. No one can make you feel anything; you are completely responsible for how you feel. Until you quit participating in your pain, cooperating in your abuse and engaging in the contest, you will always be a part of other people's games of torment and inner-suffering. Next time someone comes after you to fight, ask yourself in that moment, "who am I, and who do I choose to be?" Choose calm. Choose serenity. Choose independent confidence and sanity. Once you detach from conflict through non-engagement, you rise to a state of empowering calm awareness, empathy and safety.

"Pause and remember— Do not run from criticism. Criticism can be one of your greatest guides and teachers if you can just learn to not run from it." — Jenni Young

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Excerpts

Excerpt Share
Every insult is an opportunity.
Being insulted offers you an opportunity to practice decency and having a non-response internally.
When we are easily upset it is because we are internally unstable and unrefined spiritually.
Any defensiveness is a sign of failure. You can't move forward if you are defensive.
If you do not like a certain behavior in others, look within yourself to find the roots of what discomforts you.
The conflicts we have with the outside world are often conflicts we have within ourselves.
Criticism is no threat to your self-esteem or identity, but rather informs you.
You can get to a place where you see clearly; that place is zero defensiveness.
Change will never happen when people lack the ability and courage to see themselves for who they are.
An intelligent person is never afraid or ashamed to find errors in their understanding of things.
The best practice is to be around people who absolutely disagree. Grace in conflict is a study in love.
A great deal of defensiveness stems from the need to be right and frustration over not being able to control.
The earthquake of discomfort you feel moving inside of you when someone insults you is your own insecurity.
Most upset is a fear of rejection.
Defensiveness and emotional tumult is often a fear response because of your need for acceptance and ruthless control of the territory of your safe fantasy world.
When you realize that the defensive feeling you have is a response to your resistance, you are free in that moment.
People can only have power over you if you are seeking to have power over others.
You are only plagued with stress in moments of common petty conflict because you are arrogant, and believe others are transgressing by having unfavorable thoughts about you.
Another person's thoughts about you are outside of your jurisdiction; you have no authority.
When someone is attacking you, they are coming to you for advice. How you react advises them.
When you wrestle with foolish people, you tie them tighter into the knot of their ignorance, hate and disrespect.
Kindness and openness create an atmosphere where people feel safe to learn and change without judgement.
Kindness teaches kindness; self-respect teaches self-respect.
By choosing to have a calm response to what seems negative, you bring clarity and balance to your message.
Each reaction we have helps us inspect ourselves by revealing parts of our own nature to ourselves; it is never about others.
When you are speaking to someone else you are really speaking only to yourself.
Everything you say to someone else is for your clarity, not theirs — you are presenting yourself, to yourself, for yourself at every moment.
When you release yourself from the need for approval and control you can stop punishing yourself and others.
The fulcrum of resistance is in your mind where you pit yourself against the weight of the external.
No one can make you feel anything; you are completely responsible for how you feel.
Until you quit participating in your pain, cooperating in your abuse and engaging in the contest, you will always be a part of other people's games of torment and inner-suffering.
Once you detach from conflict through non-engagement, you rise to a state of empowering calm awareness, empathy and safety.
Being told you are wrong or insulted, gives you an opportunity to practice decency and having a non-response internally.

Comments

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Matt McCartney - twitter.com
Such a great post! Be who you are and be comfortable with that!

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Rachon Denae - facebook.com
Great read. Really needed this today... Going to remain like a pool of calm water during stressful and trying intractions with others.

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Helen Caksiran - facebook.com
i disagree. i find this to be very disturbing advice.

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Nalin Dias - facebook.com
Vry true...love this reading!! Facts...

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Dominic Spiotto - facebook.com
U spot it, u got it!

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Pattie Gosson - facebook.com
I don't think anyone loves pain. Sometimes others have conditioned you to believe your worthless. Its their own insecurities to control you. Its a daily battle for me to believe in myself. Now divorced from an abusive man I realize it was his way to control me. It has been difficult to have another relationship. ..I get angry...because of my own insecurities but also to anyone who puts me down. I will not tolerate being belittled....it doesn't stop the anger from coming when it happens.

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Valerie Davenport - facebook.com
Pattie Glosson - I know many of the same things you have experienced. I gained value from a seminar about the difference between emotion and reaction to emotion. For example, anger is not an emotion... it is a reaction to some other emotion. Most likely, in your case, fear. Like me, you may find value in researching or discussing this with someone. Good luck. Keep moving forward. You are wiser than you were so trust yourself. Sending you joy. V

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Nik NightFever Edwards - facebook.com
Some interesting thoughts. It is certainly useful to remember you can choose to remain calm in many situations. I find seeking and returning to peace with myself regularly can be very helpful. And I agree that defensiveness is often not very productive - I try to recognise it and let it go from my own behaviour (often unsuccessfully!), and also to recognise it in other people and think about how to make the situation constructive.

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Cathy Attanasio-Simpson - facebook.com
I gave a written opinion recently on a situation which turns out wasn't so popular with the people I was writing about....the written attacks back to me were amazing! They tried very hard to bait me.If they were so comfortable with their choices... They should have ignored me and moved on. When you are comfortable with the choices you make -other peoples opinions shouldn't matter. I didn't take any of it to heart . If you are comfortable with your actions you shouldn't feel a need to explain them. That is tough for some people because I think everyone just wants to be liked.

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Udiano Giftiano - facebook.com
U touch my person

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Melina Clara Adduci - facebook.com
oh.wow. Thanks for articulating it so gracefully. #illwalkwithyou

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Belinda Rhodes - facebook.com
Wow

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Yolanda Johnson - facebook.com
Thank you so much!! I love you and you inspiration! !

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Hillary Sarah Andoh - facebook.com
Amen:)!!

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Gitika Yadav - facebook.com
Its really hard and sometimes defenses help you pull yourself together and move instead of analysis

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Rose Young Younes Lacy - facebook.com
wow...very hard to do but I can see some sense to it in my current situation. thanks.

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Georgette M Vachon - facebook.com
I believe defensiveness to be a disconnect rather than failure. Regrounding and reexamining one's inner dialogue can get the focus back to kindness.

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Sylvia Kinsey - facebook.com
My gosh, that is hard to do! I work in a stressful healthcare facility & it seems that teamwork & helping one another is practically non-existant. I try to help my co-workers but it is NOT reciprocated.

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Tammera Work Gordineer - facebook.com
yep I really dropped the ball on this one the other day. And am trying not to continue beating myself up for having an ugly reaction to some criticism. I feel like crap

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Natasha Isabel Parsons - facebook.com
Oh my god

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Alshrifa Nadia N - facebook.com
I disagree totaly ,you should come to where i live watch people how they drive behave & 100%u change ur theory and establish a new one

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Linabel Martirez Brillantes - facebook.com
Perfctly said.. .but theres n0 perfct who can actually do such everybody reacts accordingly on certain situation what is important is how we dEal/handle it.

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Yrrehc Luvzyou - facebook.com
i d0nt think so and itz hard 2 do . . . Evryb0dy has their own limit of patience when we push 2 our limits . . . I've beEN surR0undEd with alL stresSful AND negatVe pe0ple i trieD 2 iGN0re them bt itz hard when ur nt in the m0od to dEAL with their s2pidity n0 matTER H0W g0od u r frm sPIritUAl . .u cnt jst let them be like that 4 the rest of ur lifE.

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Monika Kassinos - facebook.com
Deep.

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Sylvia Kinsey - facebook.com
What do you think Irene Lobo?

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Lily Contreras - facebook.com
HArd to do

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Irene Lobo - facebook.com
Not really

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Jillyan Irene - twitter.com
wow. love this. #onpoint

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Alan Baltes - twitter.com
This is something that all actors should live by!

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Lamisha Serf - twitter.com
Truth!

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Elvie Llaven - facebook.com
Amen Well said ;)

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Erlinda Flores - facebook.com
well said, i hope i'd be kept reminded! <3

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Tericia Asia - facebook.com
It's really depends on who ARE those significant people pointing criticism on us!And definitely for sure the reactions is different.So true we have our own limitation...

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Fong Gan - facebook.com
That's not really true that you should be around ppl who absolutely disagree...because that can hurt you.

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Nyah Hayn - facebook.com
Agree..Been there for a while...right, it is a big chqllenge to get controlled..now on a healing process...

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Kimmy Kim - facebook.com
Thanks

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Lorraine Millar - facebook.com
Yes it totally depends on the situation. Other people need to know it's not nice or right to stand there and insult you, sometimes you need to stand up for yourself or what's right. Saying nothing can lead to allsorts possibly bullying etc. Otherwise you are just someone else's punchbag.....so I disagree. But in less aggressive situations to say nothing is much more powerful.

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Kim Taylor Leese - facebook.com
Interesting thoughts, though somewhat contradictory. There are times when our defensiveness comes from righteous anger. We can be attacked for our actions and beliefs by others unjustly. Often this is due to transmission of misinformation, from someone's attempt at self glorification and the receiving party has not given either the benefit if the doubt, or has assumed that because you have not responded in the past, you are guilty. That assumption is what brings the righteous anger to the forefront. Perhaps there does come a time when there needs to be reflection on why we choose to be tolerant of the behavior of others. Is it truest because we are at peace with ourselves, because we are understanding of the flaws in others because we too are not perfect. We choose to not go down that pointing path where we say he did this and she did that, because we know we are no better than they are. Then one day, after years of tolerance and frustration we can no longer contain our emotions and break forth in this righteous anger.

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Kim Eno - facebook.com
Agree with Kim too.

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One Step One Thought - facebook.com
Thank You

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Kristy Ifeoma-Inez Ikanih - facebook.com
Thanks for sharing this Food 4 Thought!

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Myra Parsons - facebook.com
Something to think about

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Michael Mcarthur - facebook.com
true

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CurtisElwood N JeanetteRussell - facebook.com
Amen.

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Michelle Kline - facebook.com
This is great.

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Mea Anderson - facebook.com
brilliant read thankyou x

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One Step One Thought - facebook.com
sharing this beauty

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Louise Denison Hockenson - facebook.com
Absolutely beautiful.




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Bryant H. McGill

Human Potential Thought Leader ✮ WSJ & USA Today Best-Selling Author ✮ Top Social Media Influencer ✮ UN Appointed Global Champion ✮ 12+ MILLION Social Subscribers ✮ Reaching 50+ Million Weekly ✮ Syndicated on People Magazine & Huffington Post Celebrity ✮ Co-Founder of McGill Media & Simple Reminders, SRN, and the Royal Society

"I live in Austin, Texas with my wife Jenni, and I have three amazing daughters. I am a simple person, who as a boy, ran around barefoot on a dirt-road in Alabama — dreaming of being a writer. I am probably best known as a writer of pithy sayings and small, simple aphorisms which have found their way into tens-of-thousands of publications, including by some of the biggest publishers in the world. I love to inspire people and show them their inner-beauty. I see the world spiritually. My mission is to cause people to consider kinder ways in which we could do business, structure our relationships and treat the world." Bio


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